As women, is it more important to live the myth rather than respect our feelings of self-respect and self-worth? I heard a quote today from a woman who was miserable in her marriage but chose to lie and say everything was fine when asked. Now, not knowing anything about this woman: her name, age, or circumstances I cannot fathom just letting things continue on that way. It may not be possible for her to extricate herself from the situation due to any number of things, but she could at least try and change either herself or some of the circumstances for the better. I'm not talking abuse here, that's different. In my mind there is a choice in abuse cases that generally is based on whether or not you have any respect for yourself if you stay. There are always ways of getting out if you're willing to make the choices that do work. I'm also not talking about white lies. There are ways to tell people the truth without being cruel if we take the time to think about it.
This woman who is miserable in her marriage though . . . she may have kids, or a special needs child, or parent dependent. Assuming that this is a relatively normal marriage without exigent circumstances, why is she just wallowing in her misery? The impression was that anyone who asks is given an answer of everything is fine. Ok, now go to the husband's point of view: the same conditions exist in his life as hers. Yet she's miserable. We don't know about him but I cannot imagine both of them reacting the same way. If he's lying and saying everything is fine too there is a bigger problem. I read recently that the only person you can change is yourself. So why doesn't she change her thinking? Yes, this situation or whatever is making her miserable is not what she would have chosen. But then life rarely is. We all make choices along the way and we have to deal with the results of our actions or inactions, whatever they may be. So she got herself into a shitty situation, deal with it. Everyone has different challenges to face, sacrifices to make and the consequences of those choices in their lives. Why are some people happy and some not? Because the ones who don't avoid or run away from their problems have the self-esteem needed to DO something about it. When you're standing still and change directions—guess what, you're spinning in circles. If you get moving, even going the wrong way and change directions—viola you're going somewhere. This is a difficult concept for a lot of people. They'd rather sit around and think "Poor Me" than do anything constructive.
So what if your circumstances suck? Take a class. Read a book. Go out with a girlfriend you don't have to pretend with and talk it out. Even little things can help shift the focus away from you and your problems. Figure out some way of coping that doesn't involve lying to everyone around you. Think about how all your loved ones will feel when it finally comes out that you've been lying all along. Think you feel miserable now? Wait until the backlash hits. And it always does. It doesn't help when they ask "why" that you say "I didn't want to hurt anyone." Well, guess what—by lying that is exactly what you did whether you knew it, wanted it, or not.
I'm not saying that we all need to treat strangers on the street or the acquaintances in our lives as therapists. They don't have an emotional investment in you, nor you in them, to make it worthwhile to work things out that way. But there has to be someone, pay someone or call a free helpline if you have to, that can help you work through the emotional baggage and figure out the problem. My husband doesn't let me get away with "I'm fine" when there's obviously something wrong. A lot of times, I don't know what it is. He loves me so he calls me on it. Then he helps me figure it out when there is something bugging me. If he doesn't, it takes some time but I figure it out myself and then do something about it. In this case it just happens that it was impacting him as well as me. That's what I don't get . . . how can these people not know that something is up? Unless they just don't care. That is entirely possible. But in that case—find someone who does care. You're not doing yourself any favors.
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